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25 September 2007 @ 08:05 pm
So, you never spoke to me again. Fine. I can live with that, because I have to. It's not that I was greatly emotionally invested --hell, half of the time I spent with you it was just as if I were observing someone so completely lost and also unaware of it-- and I felt compassion, amusement and pity. I wondered if you'd ever be able to see yourself from the outside as I did, but I think your spirit is rather like that of a labyrinth. Your path twists and goes nowhere and is blind, without real purpose.

Part of me wanted to say yes to you, mainly because anyone's touch would have made me shiver with heat and pleasure after being alone for three and a half years. But that is not good to you, and for all of your many, many faults I wouldn't have revealed that. 

I think that with me you really did want to try to change. But I also knew that you'd take it to obsession because it was the first lifeline you would have thrown out and you wouldn't want to fail. I knew that there was an equal chance of you just saying "to hell with it" and dropping me the second you were done with the body you wanted. I would have felt a detached sorrow for you, either way it would have gone.

Normally I don't think too much about you, who were barely a moment in my life. Today though, I smiled to think that I still had attraction and humanity in me, after so much survival.

I don't want you to feel pain, regardless of the short time we would have been in each other's lives, had I remained. 

I wonder if you'll ever find peace, if you'll ever enjoy a night under the stars in a crowd without alcohol in your veins. I wonder if you could ever feel so wonderful just moving your body to music with a hundred strangers on trampled grass with a few beer cans knocking against your feet and a thousand delerious stars overhead. I hope you do, even if I never see you again.
Kendranekarai on September 26th, 2007 07:27 am (UTC)
It really feels as though you hadn't been gone away to Missoula that long... perhaps for those of us who didn't experience so much change so quickly, it seems like a blink in time? It is difficult for me to imagine that he truly just dumped the bond between you, and easier to imagine him being distracted and busy with the way that he tends to live in the moment and for his passions. *shrugs* Perhaps it is beneficial to step off the drama rollercoaster, though... I always get the impression he has a way with ups and downs and offering to take others along for the emotional ride.
pallas_saraipallas_sarai on September 26th, 2007 04:13 pm (UTC)
Actually, this is a composite of two different people, the fellow in Missoula and someone I knew four years ago. I'm getting back into writing again and am refreshing my Anais-voice. The above it about 70% fiction and 30% composite truths combined together.
Kendranekarai on September 26th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
Ah! Hence the confusion. :)